More To Death - National Death Centre - Edition 7

At its heart, the Last Word Celebrant  blog is all about encouraging conversations about death and end of life matters. Whether it is highlighting a poem that resonates with me or quotes reflecting on the meaning of life and death or simply my experiences as an independent funeral celebrant - its good to talk about death.   So I'm really pleased to share with you The Natural Death Centre's magazine, More to Death. Perhaps after reading the magazine, check out their website too, which provides a wealth of impartial information about natural and environmentally friendly funerals and end of life decisions.

I won't highlight specific articles - far better you read through and find what interests you - but well worth a look. If any of the articles pose any questions do ask and I'll try to offer an answer for you...

Funeral Ceremony Advice: The Eulogy / Tribute

For a celebrant led funeral service especially, the eulogy is such a key part of the ceremony. Whether it takes the form of one chapter, or a collection of memories from different family and friends, this is the moment when we celebrate the person's life. For me, the best eulogies are relatively brief - 500-750 words is perfect, especially if other readings and music are to be included. It is impossible to capture every last detail in the short time available, so better to pick out key qualities that will resonate with most of those present. 

So the best eulogies don't try to capture every address or career step, nor try to name check numerous friends. It should capture the essence of the person - who they were not what they were. The legacy they leave behind in those closest to them, the gentle way they inspired others; the simple memories that may be of almost no consequence to most people but for the family mean everything...

What is an Independent Funeral Celebrant?

I am often asked "What is an independent celebrant?", quickly followed by questions regarding my own faith. The following - quoted from wikipedia - is a really sound explanation. The only thing I would add is this definition is very 'neutral': celebrants come in all shapes and sizes, strong faith to no faith, with a broad range of life experiences that shape the way they connect with families and their preferences when creating a beautiful ceremony. The good ones start the conversation with a 'blank page' - they listen to the family, check understanding and aim to create something that reflects the deceased in a heartfelt, personal way.

Obituary: Hard Truths, Honest Lives

Life is complicated and not everything works out the way we would wish. So when, as a celebrant, I am asked to produce a life story for a person who had a challenging personality or was perhaps difficult to live with, I know it will be an interesting journey as we decide what can be said, should be said and what is best glossed over - honesty and integrity should be at the core of every ceremony, provided that it stays on the right side of positive.

A Funeral Poem: "The Tyger" - William Blake

Yesterday, I lead a beautiful funeral service for Derrick - there was so much love in the room for this person, it really felt a heartfelt and special farewell - there were so many family and friends there to say goodbye. The reason for this post is that Derrick loved poetry and so we included some of his favourites in the ceremony. It is the first time I've been asked to read "The Tyger" by William Blake. It is a lovely poem to read aloud, so I share this with you, in tribute to Derrick. 

A Fine Attitude to Life & Death

The funeral celebrant side of my life has been especially busy this week. It started with the remembrance service (see previous post) and I've also had three ceremonies to look after. Each very different, but each very personal and with fascinating life stories to tell. One of the ceremonies reminded me of a quote that really inspired me when I first started as a celebrant. It's from Hunter S Thompson, who wrote this about death: 

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!”

I love the attitude, the positive thinking, the energy and sense of living in the moment inherent in the quote. And the thought that at the end, life should be celebrated and not swamped by unnecessary formalities.

Today I have been mostly debating going back to bed if I'm honest - I'm shattered! 

Saying Goodbye to Alison

Absolutely beautiful ceremony today. As a celebrant, I'm often left quite awestruck when, from intense grief, amazing things happen...today was such an occasion. We were in the Top Chapel at Haycombe (Bath's cemetery) for Alison's funeral.

Saying Goodbye to Steve

An emotional day today, as we said goodbye to Steve.

Steve was 37 when he died; he had battled with cancer for the best part of ten years. I should say at this point that I always hesitate to say "battled" cancer - especially in this case, as Steve had 'lived' with cancer. He didn't let it define who he was. He didn't stop living when the diagnosis was confirmed - instead he embraced every single day.

So we had a ceremony that reflected a huge amount of love, admiration and respect. There must have been 200 or more family and friends to pay their respects. The flowers on the coffin were shaped as a full size guitar (music was a passion); his wife and family members each spoke (he was the kind of man that everyone warmed to - we could have spent the whole day listening to tributes if time had allowed). It was a lovely ceremony. The music was as unique and quirky as the man himself - I can't recall ever walking out to "Gertcha" by Chas n Dave before - somehow it just worked brilliantly.

I hope very much that today's ceremony will bring some comfort; it has certainly been a privilege sharing this last part of the journey.

I know I often mention Caleb Wilde's blog - he is a funeral director in the US. He writes with great clarity on issues few of us have to confront. This posting is no exception.

Death: Anything We Shouldn't Talk About?

Bristol Museum and Art Gallery are investigating the possibility of an exhibition looking at death around the world - if it goes ahead, it will take place in 2015. All very exciting and I'm so pleased. Often, once people realise that I am a funeral celebrant, they are quick to share their experiences, good and bad: their experience of grief, about saying goodbye, about vicars that forgot who the funeral was for...sometimes it is the joy of discovering the perfect natural burial site and the peace and healing power that comes with that discovery.

Inspiring Words on Legacy

Inspiring words to ponder...

"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there. It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so as long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away.” – Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 

Today I have mostly been reflecting on how perfect a song "Stardust" is, sung by Nat King Cole. We used it as a song for reflection in today's ceremony. Just beautiful...

A Busy Day In Prospect

A busy day today, although I think a day more happy than sad. I shall be on funeral celebrant duties today at my local crematorium in Bath. We have a lovely ceremony planned, with Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett music - their music is so powerful and I think the Tony Bennett track ("I left my heart in San Francisco") will be perfect. After that I shall be off to visit a local family, who are planning a ceremony for their mum. An emotional day in prospect but a good one...

Today, I shall mostly be looking for a slice of coffee and walnut cake in one of the local cafes - emotional days require lots of comfort food!

Words of Inspiration: Louis de Bernieres

"When loved ones die, you have to live on their behalf. See things as though with their eyes. Remember how they used to say things, and use the words oneself. Be thankful that you can do things that they cannot and also feel the sadness of it." - "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" (Louis de Bernieres).

This is such a moving book and these words, especially, resonate with me. As a funeral celebrant, I often use the following in my ceremonies:

"For those we love still live on in our hearts; in the happiness we knew and in the dreams we shared. They still speak in the echoes of familiar words we’ve heard them say so often. Their memory is warm in our hearts; their memory is comfort in our sorrow." 

Our loved ones do live on in our hearts, as all the memories are part of the fabric of our own lives. It doesn't stop us "feeling the sadness of it", but gives us the strength to move forward.

Today I shall be mostly listening to Frank Sinatra, whose music ("Come Fly With Me") has been chosen for a ceremony next week...

Where Will Your Funeral be?

Where will your funeral be? Just for now, we’ll set aside the fact that most of us don’t discuss this with our nearest and dearest (even though it would be rather helpful if we did), and focus instead on the choices.

First question is ‘where’? If you have a strong faith, then a religious building will be the obvious choice. Religious buildings are evocative spaces; often ancient, places that have seen all the joy and sadness of life acted out over generations. Simply entering a church is a ritual act, as you leave the hustle and bustle of life behind and move into a sacred space.

Time To End "Clip Board" Funerals?

I came across these amazing words in "Untold Stories" by Alan Bennett. Writing about his mother's ceremony at Weston-Super-Mare crematorium, he reflects on a ceremony seemingly detached from any real emotion or meaning...

“Before that (the committal), though, there will be the faint dribble of a hymn, which is for the most part unsung by the men and only falteringly by the women. The deceased is unknown to the vicar, who in turn is a stranger to the mourners, the only participant on intimate terms with all concerned, the corpse included, being the undertaker. Unsolemn, hygienic and somehow retail, the service is so scant as to be scarcely a ceremony at all, and is not so much simple as inadequate. These clipboard send-offs have no swell to them, no tide, there is no launching for the soul, flung like Excalibur over the dark waters. How few lives now end full-throated to hymns soaring or bells pealing from the tower. How few escape a pinched suburban send-off, the last of a life, some half-known relatives strolling thankfully back to the car.” 

I love the expression "launching the soul, flung like excalibur over the dark waters" - wonderful writing (but then with Alan Bennett every word works so hard). The point of sharing this is that it really is possible to create a ceremony that is heartfelt and personal. With some thought, this can be achieved even within the time-limited setting of a crematorium: by booking extra time, dressing the space and encouraging family members to actively participate. But better still, don't have the main ceremony at the crematorium - something I shall explore further in my next blog...

Today I am mostly rehearsing a ceremony and listening to R Kelly 'World's Greatest' - would love to include the song at a ceremony!

Death Customs: Dining With The Dead

What do you think of graveyards? Places of quiet, peaceful reflection, places to avoid or the perfect spot for a picnic? In the former Soviet Republic of Georgia, locals celebrate death as part of life - being dead doesn't mean you have to miss out on a social life! On Easter Sunday, locals take food and wine and visit the graves of family and friends: "They have died but they are still with us", explains one. What a lovely sentiment.

Could it happen here in the UK? Maybe. It wouldn't be hugely out of place to spend time at a graveside with a flask of coffee. And maybe a slice of cake. And take a little time out to share some thoughts. Of course, our climate doesn't always lend itself to picnics anywhere, but I do think its a lovely thought to put one day aside to remember loved ones. What do you think - have you ever dwelled graveside with coffee and cake?

Click on the link to the BBC's website to find out more. The film is entitled "Dining with the dead: Georgian families' graveyard feasts." Its a lovely way to honour those special to us and to keep them in our memory and in our heart.