Funeral Ceremony Advice: The Eulogy / Tribute

For a celebrant led funeral service especially, the eulogy is such a key part of the ceremony. Whether it takes the form of one chapter, or a collection of memories from different family and friends, this is the moment when we celebrate the person's life. For me, the best eulogies are relatively brief - 500-750 words is perfect, especially if other readings and music are to be included. It is impossible to capture every last detail in the short time available, so better to pick out key qualities that will resonate with most of those present. 

So the best eulogies don't try to capture every address or career step, nor try to name check numerous friends. It should capture the essence of the person - who they were not what they were. The legacy they leave behind in those closest to them, the gentle way they inspired others; the simple memories that may be of almost no consequence to most people but for the family mean everything...

What is an Independent Funeral Celebrant?

I am often asked "What is an independent celebrant?", quickly followed by questions regarding my own faith. The following - quoted from wikipedia - is a really sound explanation. The only thing I would add is this definition is very 'neutral': celebrants come in all shapes and sizes, strong faith to no faith, with a broad range of life experiences that shape the way they connect with families and their preferences when creating a beautiful ceremony. The good ones start the conversation with a 'blank page' - they listen to the family, check understanding and aim to create something that reflects the deceased in a heartfelt, personal way.

Obituary: Hard Truths, Honest Lives

Life is complicated and not everything works out the way we would wish. So when, as a celebrant, I am asked to produce a life story for a person who had a challenging personality or was perhaps difficult to live with, I know it will be an interesting journey as we decide what can be said, should be said and what is best glossed over - honesty and integrity should be at the core of every ceremony, provided that it stays on the right side of positive.

A Fine Attitude to Life & Death

The funeral celebrant side of my life has been especially busy this week. It started with the remembrance service (see previous post) and I've also had three ceremonies to look after. Each very different, but each very personal and with fascinating life stories to tell. One of the ceremonies reminded me of a quote that really inspired me when I first started as a celebrant. It's from Hunter S Thompson, who wrote this about death: 

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!”

I love the attitude, the positive thinking, the energy and sense of living in the moment inherent in the quote. And the thought that at the end, life should be celebrated and not swamped by unnecessary formalities.

Today I have been mostly debating going back to bed if I'm honest - I'm shattered! 

The Perfect Funeral: Does It Exist?

I started to write a blog called "Barriers to the Perfect Funeral" - but defining a perfect funeral posed a problem even before I started to reflect on the barriers. 

My ceremony (whenever the times comes - I always say that death is on my 'To Do' list, but I haven't got round to it yet) will look very different to most ceremonies and yes, I have started planning it. I've met too many families whose lives have been turned upside down in the blink of eye - death often appears without warning and I would rather leave detailed instructions and help those close to me sort things out with the minimum of stress - its the least I can do. Like leaving a tidy sock draw... 

Saying Goodbye to John

After the big ceremonies of recent days, yesterday's was a much smaller, more intimate farewell at Haycombe in Bath. I can't share too much of this ceremony, except to reflect on important it was to say an appropriate goodbye. John's grand daughter proved what a special person she is by making sure a heartfelt and genuine goodbye was possible. Sometimes people ask if it isn't depressing, working in the funeral industry. It can be but it also be quite amazing and uplifting.

Yesterday I mostly worried for my house. Major build works, lots of dust, lots of noise. 

Saying Goodbye to Alison

Absolutely beautiful ceremony today. As a celebrant, I'm often left quite awestruck when, from intense grief, amazing things happen...today was such an occasion. We were in the Top Chapel at Haycombe (Bath's cemetery) for Alison's funeral.

Death: Anything We Shouldn't Talk About?

Bristol Museum and Art Gallery are investigating the possibility of an exhibition looking at death around the world - if it goes ahead, it will take place in 2015. All very exciting and I'm so pleased. Often, once people realise that I am a funeral celebrant, they are quick to share their experiences, good and bad: their experience of grief, about saying goodbye, about vicars that forgot who the funeral was for...sometimes it is the joy of discovering the perfect natural burial site and the peace and healing power that comes with that discovery.

Dying Matters: Five Things You Must Do

As a celebrant, I meet many families who are struggling to create a meaningful ceremony because they simply don't know how the person envisaged their farewell. We don't talk about death: when we are young and healthy it feels as though we will live forever; as we talk to those nearer the end of their life, it feels like a conversation about death might just be tempting fate.

Sorry!

Just a quick post to apologise for the silence over recent weeks. Often the summer is a quieter time for funerals, but this year has seen barely a break in ceremonies taking place. Which has meant my mind has been on helping bereaved families navigate the emotional challenges of the funeral; helping them to create a meaningful farewell. My mind hasn't been on the blog - I'm really sorry! But I'm gathering my thoughts and aiming to resume regular posts...so do watch this space! Recent ceremonies have included a beautiful ceremony at Midford Natural Burial Ground, near Bath. And on wednesday, we had such a moving ceremony which finished with a release of butterflies (outside obviously - we headed for the memorial garden after the ceremony to release them). Such a simple gesture but so symbolic. 

A Busy Day In Prospect

A busy day today, although I think a day more happy than sad. I shall be on funeral celebrant duties today at my local crematorium in Bath. We have a lovely ceremony planned, with Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett music - their music is so powerful and I think the Tony Bennett track ("I left my heart in San Francisco") will be perfect. After that I shall be off to visit a local family, who are planning a ceremony for their mum. An emotional day in prospect but a good one...

Today, I shall mostly be looking for a slice of coffee and walnut cake in one of the local cafes - emotional days require lots of comfort food!

Words of Inspiration: Louis de Bernieres

"When loved ones die, you have to live on their behalf. See things as though with their eyes. Remember how they used to say things, and use the words oneself. Be thankful that you can do things that they cannot and also feel the sadness of it." - "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" (Louis de Bernieres).

This is such a moving book and these words, especially, resonate with me. As a funeral celebrant, I often use the following in my ceremonies:

"For those we love still live on in our hearts; in the happiness we knew and in the dreams we shared. They still speak in the echoes of familiar words we’ve heard them say so often. Their memory is warm in our hearts; their memory is comfort in our sorrow." 

Our loved ones do live on in our hearts, as all the memories are part of the fabric of our own lives. It doesn't stop us "feeling the sadness of it", but gives us the strength to move forward.

Today I shall be mostly listening to Frank Sinatra, whose music ("Come Fly With Me") has been chosen for a ceremony next week...

Time To End "Clip Board" Funerals?

I came across these amazing words in "Untold Stories" by Alan Bennett. Writing about his mother's ceremony at Weston-Super-Mare crematorium, he reflects on a ceremony seemingly detached from any real emotion or meaning...

“Before that (the committal), though, there will be the faint dribble of a hymn, which is for the most part unsung by the men and only falteringly by the women. The deceased is unknown to the vicar, who in turn is a stranger to the mourners, the only participant on intimate terms with all concerned, the corpse included, being the undertaker. Unsolemn, hygienic and somehow retail, the service is so scant as to be scarcely a ceremony at all, and is not so much simple as inadequate. These clipboard send-offs have no swell to them, no tide, there is no launching for the soul, flung like Excalibur over the dark waters. How few lives now end full-throated to hymns soaring or bells pealing from the tower. How few escape a pinched suburban send-off, the last of a life, some half-known relatives strolling thankfully back to the car.” 

I love the expression "launching the soul, flung like excalibur over the dark waters" - wonderful writing (but then with Alan Bennett every word works so hard). The point of sharing this is that it really is possible to create a ceremony that is heartfelt and personal. With some thought, this can be achieved even within the time-limited setting of a crematorium: by booking extra time, dressing the space and encouraging family members to actively participate. But better still, don't have the main ceremony at the crematorium - something I shall explore further in my next blog...

Today I am mostly rehearsing a ceremony and listening to R Kelly 'World's Greatest' - would love to include the song at a ceremony!

Dying Matters Awareness Week

This week is "Dying Matters Awareness Week", which will mean - I hope - lots of interesting conversations about death. Why talk about it? Talking about death doesn't bring it closer. Its about planning for life. Without communication and understanding, death and terminal illness can be a lonely and stressful experience, both for the person who is dying and for their friends and family. 

'Dying Matters Awareness Week' aims to start that conversation going. This year's action-focused theme encourages everyone to take five crucial decisions to be ready for the end of life.

1. Make a will
2. Record your funeral wishes
3. Plan your future care and support
4. Register as an organ donor
5. Tell your loved ones your wishes

In my role as a funeral celebrant in Bristol and Bath, I have many, many conversations with people about death. If you would like help please contact me. Alternatively, look up the Dying Matters website. Its full of excellent, clearly presented information.