Coping with Grief in Autumn

To be honest, I always find the autumn, especially when clocks change, to be quite a difficult time. No idea why, as I love the colours and the changes to the foliage. It is a wonderful time to reconnect with the landscape. But it does always leave me feeling flat; difficult sometimes to see the best in life at this time of year.

What is an Independent Funeral Celebrant?

I am often asked "What is an independent celebrant?", quickly followed by questions regarding my own faith. The following - quoted from wikipedia - is a really sound explanation. The only thing I would add is this definition is very 'neutral': celebrants come in all shapes and sizes, strong faith to no faith, with a broad range of life experiences that shape the way they connect with families and their preferences when creating a beautiful ceremony. The good ones start the conversation with a 'blank page' - they listen to the family, check understanding and aim to create something that reflects the deceased in a heartfelt, personal way.

The Nature of Grief

I discovered this amazing quote today. It talks about the challenge of starting life again after bereavement and especially after the loss of someone very close. 

“The voice of grief is rather convincing, isn’t it? It tells you you’re “too old,” “not good enough,” or “not worthy enough” for another chance at life, that starting over is impossible. This voice in your head is the first thing you hear in the morning and the last thing you hear at night. It drives with you to work. It stays with you at lunch. Its message is so consistent that because of its repetitive power, you may be inclined to believe it. But, as persuasive as the voice of grief is, everything it says is a lie. It’s all a pack of lies.

Do you want the truth? If you do, then start listening to life calling to you inside your grief. How? Every time you are yearning to be held and loved, to laugh again, listen to your yearning. Do not listen to your fear . . . Listen to life calling you, “I am here, come on over. Take a chance on me. I am your life, and you’re all that I’ve got.” 

(Christina Rasmussen, Second Firsts Live Laugh and Love Again).

Granting Last Wishes

Not sure what is going on with the www.bbc.co.uk but there seems to be one interesting 'death' related article after another at the moment. As the purpose of this blog is to encourage conversations around death, I thought I should share it with you...

Today I saw a lovely piece about granting last wishes. It is a really heart warming story, that reminds me that often it is the simple things that make such a difference...
And yes, I know I need to take some more photographs to illustrate the blog - one day...

In Praise of Police Liaison Teams

Back from West Wilts Crematorium and a lovely, gentle service. Seems to have been an incredibly challenging day on the roads though, with two major traffic incidents. It is difficult to drive past the aftermath of an accident without thinking of those involved and hoping that they have survived in better shape than their vehicles. It brought to mind those police officers who have to knock on the door and pass on bad news, which by coincidence features in a BBC website article today. It makes for an interesting read...

The Semi-Colon Project;

Much has happened since I was last able to blog… a landmark birthday, navigated successfully albeit with rather more champagne than was strictly necessary...but better to celebrate than ponder the rapidly passing years!

I’ve moved house – challenging and stressful for someone change adverse but the start of a new chapter nonetheless and that’s to be embraced. One consequence has been the lack of broadband for three weeks, which has been difficult – it is though reassuring to see all the lights flashing comfortingly on my hub once again…

Whilst I have been away from the blog, my attention was grabbed by the "Semicolon Project". In essence, the project is a statement indicating that life has been embraced over death.

In essence, people all over the world who have struggled with addiction, suicidal thoughts, and depression are tattooing themselves with semicolons as part of the project.

Work Life & Death Balances

Apologies for the silence in recent months. You may have guessed that the lack of posts is often indicative of increased 'busy-ness'...this year has been incredibly intense and it has been a challenge finding time for me to recharge in-between helping families through their grief and navigating the emotional challenges of the funeral. I'm sure most celebrants would agree that we don't feel the grief in the same intensity as the families - if we did, it would become incredibly difficult to help. But neither is it 'all in a days work' - absorbing some of the sadness is just part of the role. So the blog has been pushed to one side whilst I've tried to create a better balance. But I will try to post more often over the coming months. If you have any questions about my role as a celebrant do please ask.
Andrew Jackson is an Independent celebrant available to conduct ceremonies in the Bristol, Bath and surrounding area.

Some Feedback

"Thank you once again for making a sad day so much better"...

Just a simple post to say a big thank you to Christina, Andrew  and Lizzie for the lovely thank you card. I'm so pleased that the ceremony felt right. I remember our first conversation, sitting in the kitchen and talking through your father's life - so many stories and memories - he was such an interesting man. I just wanted to send my very best wishes to you all for the future. Thank you.

Three Levels of Sadness

I was asked today how I cope with all the sadness of being a celebrant. Its been an incredibly tough fortnight, with some challenging farewells and life stores to navigate, but overall, each has contained much love and inspiration. So the flippant answer is that most of the time I can cope, on the bad days there is coffee and walnut cake and on the very bad days there is shiraz... In all seriousness - and I hope this doesn't sound too 'worthy' - being a celebrant does show me every day that however tough my life is, someone else has it ten times worse. Today the sun is shining, the apple blossom is out, I had a free coffee at the garden centre... I had a long conversation with a funeral director whose compassion and kindness is so inspiring. Today's ceremony was incredibly moving - so many tears for a much loved person - but even in the midst of such sadness life has much to offer. I was going to start this blog with "Count your blessings", but its not for me to tell you how to live your life. But counting my blessing is what I've been doing today.

 Andrew Jackson is an independent celebrant, helping families in Bristol, Bath and the surrounding area.

Inspiration Needed!

This post has far more to do with life than death. It is about achieving potential and having the power to dream. I have a rather wonderful niece and the conversations are turning towards which secondary (i.e. senior) school will suit her best (no, this isn't a school's question, bear with...). She loves reading, has an incredible imagination and an independence of spirit all of which is quite inspiring. So, as a throw away comment over dinner, I said that I would love to buy her three books to give her on the first day of senior school that would inspire her to  greatness - or at least encourage her to do her best! One that came to mind was Caitlin Moran's "How to be a woman" (to quote: "Its a good time to be a woman: we have the vote and the Pill and we haven't been burnt as witches since 1727..."). JK Rowling would be another (since all Harry Potter books have already been read, revised and all facts mentally filed away! JKR is a huge role model already). Not sure of the third. I feel it should be - for the purposes of this exercise - a female author. Any suggestions?

NB: As always photo bears no connection to the words - I visited Lyme Regis recently and this caught my eye...

Wonderful Feedback

I'm always amazed that in the midst of such grief and sadness, families find time and energy to write the most lovely 'thank you' messages. Generally, I don't share these on the blog, but it was pointed out to me recently that for some families using a celebrant, rather than the more traditional option of a church minister, can be something of a leap of faith. So reading some feedback from other families may help reassure people that a celebrant-led ceremony will be perfect for their loved one. Over the coming months, I'll share a small selection of comments, starting with these lovely words...

"Everyone thought the ceremony was amazing and you really captured the spirit of my dad's life. Some people there even thought you were an old friend of my dad's as you made it so perfectly personal...thank you." 

It is lovely to receive such feedback.

Andrew Jackson is an Independent funeral celebrant, available for ceremonies in Bristol, Bath and the surrounding area.

The Committal: The Final Goodbye

I never thought that soft furnishings could become so controversial, but there is quite a debate about whether the curtains should close or be left open at the committal stage of a cremation ceremony. Now, if you haven’t attended a ceremony for someone close to you, it might be that you are sat there thinking, “Really? Closing the curtains is controversial?” But, for many, it is the part of the ceremony that they dread most, the final act of separation – it is a simple, symbolic action with huge emotional impact.

Moonbeams: An Original Poem Reflecting On Loss

A time to reflect ... I had to share this beautiful poem with you, written by Debby McCarthy (and thank you Sally!)...this is one I would certainly use in one of my ceremonies. (NB: Copyright: Debby McCarthy, reproduced with permission).

Moonbeams by Debby McCarthy

I do not sense your breath upon a summer's breeze

Or feel your touch as raindrops gently fall on me.

Tis not in nature that I know your presence, but ... in every smile

That shines when love filled laughter sings its joyous song.

I hear your voice when my own echoes yours and utters words

That offer calm advice or seeks to reassure young heavy hearts.

For though our imperfections then and now fill with regret our memories,

We only ever sought and seek to share the best of us.

So now I know your love was at the core of all you hoped for me,

Your anger born of dread the world would treat me ill.

And when it did you showered me with told you sos,

But kept me close to shelter me from hurt.

And oft I feel your shadow's light embrace, a flicker

Of your spirit shining still, as if a moonbeam lights my way to navigate life's twists and turns,

And share with those who surely would have loved you dear.

Obituary: Hard Truths, Honest Lives

Life is complicated and not everything works out the way we would wish. So when, as a celebrant, I am asked to produce a life story for a person who had a challenging personality or was perhaps difficult to live with, I know it will be an interesting journey as we decide what can be said, should be said and what is best glossed over - honesty and integrity should be at the core of every ceremony, provided that it stays on the right side of positive.

Actress Anita Dobson on Life & Death

Actress Anita Dobson reflecting on life: "You start to realise as you get older that life is about loss. I think that now more than ever. So, whatever your faith or beliefs, whether or not there's a hereafter or a God, life is a gift so just enjoy everything you've got."
Quoted from last week's Daily Mail 'Weekend' magazine.

A Thought for Mothers Day

This a blog for all those mourning a mother. Mothers Day is a special day - a time to say thank you. But it also brings so many memories back to mind for those who have already said their goodbyes; it is a day when the loss can be keenly felt. I hope you can find a quiet moment to reflect and to bring to mind some wonderful memories. Claire Rayner, writing about grief, said this:“Only the unloved and unloving escape grief.  It is the price we all have to pay, eventually, for the love that makes our lives worth living." At times, it can feel a high price... 

A Funeral Poem: "The Tyger" - William Blake

Yesterday, I lead a beautiful funeral service for Derrick - there was so much love in the room for this person, it really felt a heartfelt and special farewell - there were so many family and friends there to say goodbye. The reason for this post is that Derrick loved poetry and so we included some of his favourites in the ceremony. It is the first time I've been asked to read "The Tyger" by William Blake. It is a lovely poem to read aloud, so I share this with you, in tribute to Derrick. 

Huge Apologies

Apologies...I really was hoping to bring this blog to life in 2015. There are so many half-written thoughts - about costs, about planning, about beautiful ceremonies - but for now they have to remain unwritten. The year has started with a huge increase in the number of families to look after. No idea why, as the weather has been relatively agreeable this winter - certainly could have been much worse. And I'm not aware of any 'super bugs' sweeping the nation. So this is just one of those moments when many of us in the funeral world are working flat out to look after families and help them navigate the sadness of saying goodbye to a loved one. It will calm down, and when it does I will return, with speed, to posting some thought provoking blogs. If you have any questions, or would like to share your experiences, do please add a comment.

Arnos Vale Cemetery

Today, I felt very fortunate to be asked to lead a ceremony at Arnos Vale Cemetery. For those of you who don't know this amazing, historic cemetery / nature reserve (as it almost is now), all I can say is that it is well worth a visit. It is a huge site, containing many noteworthy memorials and headstones. But the first impression is not of headstones but of a green oasis on the outskirts of Bristol. Burials are still possible at Arnos Vale, but these are few and far between and I never expected that I would have an opportunity to lead a ceremony there. It is a stunning space. Today, we were deep in the woods (much of the site is overgrown; some spaces being reclaimed, some parts left natural), with sunshine streaming through the bare branches of the trees (sunshine - we had forecasts of snow and / or 70 mph winds - this morning it was a perfect January morning). The birds were singing, the squirrels exploring. It felt a very natural burial, perfect in its simplicity. If you are thinking of visiting, take wellies / outdoor shoes and leave yourself time to visit the lovely coffee shop there.

A Difficult Day in the Office

It has been a difficult day today. As a celebrant, I often feel as though I'm making a real and positive difference - the funeral ceremony is one small step on the healing process and a heartfelt, personal ceremony can start to ease the sadness. 

Of course it doesn't make everything right, but saying goodbye in the right way does help. Today, it was such a sad ceremony, that I'm not sure I can honestly claim to have helped. We said goodbye to someone who was just 48 years old and there are times when it feels fundamentally wrong to say goodbye so soon. So many tears in the ceremony room today. My thoughts are very much with the family tonight.
Andrew Jackson is a funeral celebrant working in Bristol, Bath and the surrounding area. Please get in touch if you have any funeral related questions.

More to Death: The Natural Death Centre's Magazine

The latest edition of "More to Death" is available - click on the link to have a read. Thought provoking as always - the article about home funerals is especially interesting.