I never thought that soft
furnishings could become so controversial, but there is quite a debate about
whether the curtains should close or be left open at the committal stage of a
cremation ceremony. Now, if you haven’t attended a ceremony for someone close
to you, it might be that you are sat there thinking, “Really? Closing the
curtains is controversial?” But, for many, it is the part of the ceremony that
they dread most, the final act of separation – it is a simple, symbolic action
with huge emotional impact.
There are actually very few rules
about what a funeral ceremony should look like and it is equally acceptable for
the coffin to remain centre stage throughout the ceremony or for the curtains
to be closed and the coffin hidden. When planning a funeral ceremony, which
approach would you prefer?
The argument for closing the
curtains is that the funeral ceremony, and the committal specifically, is the
moment when we say our last goodbye. We accompany our loved one on this final
journey up to this point, at which moment he/she is taken from us. By closing
the curtains, the coffin is removed from sight; the bond of care broken and we
are then free to return to the world, still feeling the loss but with a sense
of conclusion.
If you have a faith and believe
that what comes next will be better, this separation has a special logic to it.
But what if you don’t have a faith
- does the logic of hiding the coffin from view still hold?
As an independent funeral
celebrant, often my role is helping those families without a strong, or clearly
defined, faith.
Often in my ceremonies, I remind
everyone “A person lives for as long as they are carried in the hearts of
others and what the heart has once known, it will never forget.” So keeping the
curtains open is one way of signifying that the spirit of the person remains a
part of us rather than apart from us.
If the coffin remains centre stage,
I often find that family members will touch the coffin and say a private
goodbye as they leave the ceremony space. I’m always deeply moved when I
witness this – it is such an emotional moment. For a brief moment, the family
is reunited, whereas without that reconnection, the ceremony can feel detached.
I know some families just find the
act of closing the curtains so upsetting that it puts a dread over the whole
ceremony. But, if we keep the curtains open, it does mean that when we leave
the ceremony space, we are walking away from the person – which can feel
uncomfortable too.
What do you think? Do you
think that both approaches are equally valid and the choice should be offered
or should there be a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way of approaching this
important part of the ceremony?
This is an updated version
of a blog originally posted in May 2013. It has proved to be one of the most
viewed pages and so is reproduced for new visitors. Andrew Jackson is an
independent funeral celebrant available for commissions in the Bristol, Bath
and Somerset area.
This is my second attempt at constructing a coherent comment ...
ReplyDeleteI now wish we had opted to have the curtains open because, as you said, it would have been a chance to say a personal goodbye. However, I think our decision was made based on our lack of knowledge of what actually happens at committal. I think we thought we would actually see the coffin (and therefore Mum and Dad) disappearing from view. Our fault - we should have asked. I think it is so easy to become too involved with the trivia of flowers -v- donations, venue for the wake, suitable clothes for the ceremony etc... probably more comfortable to think about those things.
No regrets though - just lessons learned i.e. to plan and think about these things before needing to deal with them while in the throes of grief.
I'm not sure having a faith or not was significant. None of us were or are committed Christians; it was pure ignorance of what Crematorium procedures are and what we would see.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't describe your list as trivial - the reality is that there is so much to organise in a short space of time and much of that is new to us. So not surprising if its unclear which are the key parts to focus on - and of course in hindsight, different choices might be made but you can only do what feels right at the time. When I started my journey as a celebrant, it seemed right to keep the curtains open, in a way holding on to the person as long as possible. Now, I'm not so sure. At some point we have to say goodbye - closing the curtains as a symbolic gesture is one way of achieving this. But it is so personal, and the decision probably needs to be made in the context of how the rest of the ceremony unfolds and also who is present...maybe younger children would cope better if the curtains remained open. I don't feel there is a right or wrong to this and I suspect I shall keep changing my preference in the years to come!
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