The Committal: The Final Goodbye

I never thought that soft furnishings could become so controversial, but there is quite a debate about whether the curtains should close or be left open at the committal stage of a cremation ceremony. Now, if you haven’t attended a ceremony for someone close to you, it might be that you are sat there thinking, “Really? Closing the curtains is controversial?” But, for many, it is the part of the ceremony that they dread most, the final act of separation – it is a simple, symbolic action with huge emotional impact.

A Quick Update

I've written at least six draft posts this afternoon and none would represent a worthwhile investment of your time reading them. So this post is just to say that I am still here - just a little overwhelmed at the moment by some incredibly emotional ceremonies. 

Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant, available to help families in Bristol, Bath and beyond. (but not 'beyond' like Buzz Lightyear - I'm thinking Somerset, Wiltshire and Bristol!). Picture is spring time in Bath.

Funeral Arranging - Part 2

I've written this blog posting countless times now; it follows on from the "Funeral Arranging - Part 1", written  on on Tuesday; a response to an article by Emma Freud that appeared in The Guardian newspaper. It is an article well worth a read. 

Part 2 reflects on Emma's experience of creating the Order of Service. As a celebrant, my approach is to share some time with the family, listen to what they would like in terms of music, prayers, poems, etc and create a ceremony that is heartfelt and personal to them. Emma writes...

Emma writes: "This [the order of service] invariably becomes the emotional focus of the week. It needs to be a collective effort and is probably the moment when family tensions emerge in that lovely dysfunctional way that only a close death can inspire.

Well, yes and no. Yes, because even the most cohesive families can find stress lines appearing as they come to terms with the changed situation.

More To Death

The "More to Death" magazine is always a fascinating read and the new edition is no exception - click on the title to open the link. I know I may be slightly at odds with most people, but I find death incredibly fascinating. And although it is a subject we don't talk about, when I do mention it, almost everyone has questions or experiences they want to share. I'd be very interested to receive your thoughts - did any of the articles make you rethink (or start to think) about your own plans? There are some case studies of families taking care of a funeral very much 'in house'. Not for everyone, but interesting none the less. 
Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant, available in Bristol, Bath & Somerset.

Celebrating the Arrival of 2014

It has been a surreal few months for me. My father died at the start of December. We knew he was ill; we knew he wouldn't go on for ever, but we expected (maybe 'hoped' is more accurate) that he would still be with us to see in the New Year. Not to be... So we've experienced the stress of being summoned to his bedside, the privilege of keeping him company as the end drew close, the stillness and peace as he died and then the intrusiveness (I'm not sure that's actually a word) as a host of strangers (funeral and health professionals) appeared in our lives. There are so many things to sort out and really, all we wanted was to stop and reflect on our loss. As I said, it is a surreal time. It will take a while for life to feel 'normal' again - and I know it won't ever be the same. 

Funeral Ceremony for a Child

Today we held the ceremony for the stillborn baby I mentioned last week. I have to say I’m still feeling pretty raw. With a child’s ceremony, it is never ‘business as usual’. Even those professionals, who spend their days working with death, pause with the death of one so young. It is impossible not to be touched by the overwhelming sense of sadness.

The ceremony was incredibly moving, from the moment the dad carried in the coffin. How incredible is that? In the midst of the most intense grief, when life feels thrown into disarray, to have the courage and strength to bear the coffin is incredible. I really don't know if I would be able to match that.

With one so young, we often need to turn to the words, songs and music of others to help us express our grief, as it is so difficult to articulate the hurt we are feeling. So our ceremony today included music from Eric Clapton (“Tears in Heaven”); a beautiful song called “Still” by Gerrit Hofsink (warning: if you look that up on i-tunes it is an incredibly emotional listen. Beautiful song, with words that cut straight to the heart, but sure to bring a tear to the eye) and then we heard Christina Perri (“A Thousand Years” – another song that was so perfect for today's ceremony).

It is going to be a difficult day as I’m sure the family will dominate my thoughts, to whom I can only send my best wishes - I only hope that time will help heal the hurt.

Andrew Jackson is an Independent Celebrant, working in Bristol, Bath & Somerset.

Reflecting on a Challenging Week

Sitting here, my first task is to apologise for the lack of blog postings of late. No real excuse other than last week was something of an emotional journey. For example, on Friday I helped a family say goodbye to a husband and father of two young children. He died from cancer aged just 38. It is difficult to know what to say, other than to be able to offer any kind of help and comfort in such circumstances is a huge privilege. 

When Grief Is Overwhelming

This week I'm helping a young family create a ceremony for their still born child. In one sentence I've probably said all you need to know - your minds will already be thinking what a desperately sad time this is. In many ways, our grief for the loss of a child is the hardest kind of grief to bear, because when a child dies, we mourn not only the life that was, but also the life that might have been. So many hopes and dreams that will remain unfulfilled.

Stillbirth is more common than many people realise. There are around 4,000 stillbirths each year in the UK - approximately 1 in every 200 births. For more information, the 'Sands' website (Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Charity) is a great resource and can talk far more meaningfully on the subject that I can. In the meantime, I shall keep helping as best I can, knowing that however clever my words, however well thought out the music, I'm unlikely to soften the hurt the family are feeling right now.

Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant working in Bristol, Bath and Somerset. Fuelled by coffee & walnut cake during the day and by shiraz at night...

At Committal, Should Curtains Remain Open?

I never thought that soft furnishings could become so controversial, but there is quite a debate about whether the curtains should close or be left open at the committal stage of a cremation ceremony. Now, if you haven’t attended a ceremony for someone close to you, it might be that you are sat there thinking, “Really? Closing the curtains is controversial?” But, for many, it is the part of the ceremony that they dread most, the final act of separation – it is a simple, symbolic action with huge emotional impact.