Dying Matters: Five Things You Must Do

As a celebrant, I meet many families who are struggling to create a meaningful ceremony because they simply don't know how the person envisaged their farewell. We don't talk about death: when we are young and healthy it feels as though we will live forever; as we talk to those nearer the end of their life, it feels like a conversation about death might just be tempting fate.

Photos On The Andrew Jackson Celebrant Blog

I've been asked about the photographs used on the blog... simple answers, yes and no. 'Yes', all the images are my own. 'No', often they have absolutely nothing to do with the text. Really, its just to make the blog look a little more interesting visually. I am hoping that I'll start to have some interesting pictures to share from the different ceremonies undertaken, but obviously I'm always sensitive to the families and the occasions...watch this space...

Today I have been mostly eating a rather lovely fruit & nut flapjack. Probably full of calories but hey, we only live once. Unless your faith involves reincarnation, obviously.

The Big Bang: What To Do With Ashes.

What do you do with the ashes of a loved one after a ceremony? Writer Hunter S Thompson famously requested his ashes to be blasted skyward, carried by red, blue and silver fireworks. And I'm pretty sure that you can do the same in this country (* never worked with them but look at 'Heavens Above Fireworks'). 

Organisations such as The National Trust do try to be supportive and are willing to consider a formal request.

Funeral costs in UK: The Price Is right?

It was recently reported that the overall cost of dying is up 7.1% from 2012 prices. Although I think this is incorrect, as generally the dying bit is actually free. I think they meant that funeral costs are up 7.1%. 

The cost of a basic funeral has risen 5.3% since 2012, to £3,456. The average cost of a burial is now £3,914, which is about £1,000 more than the average cremation. Once discretionary costs are added - a headstone, flowers, choice of coffin, etc the basic cost of a funeral rises to an average of £7,662. Of course, there are regional variations: London area costs are higher whereas the least expensive place to die / arrange a funeral is Wales (average cost here is £6,096).

A "Love of Life" List

Question: What would you do if you were told you had three years to live?I read an interesting article on the BBC website today, in the News Magazine section, talking about 'bucket lists' - which are things to do before 'kicking the bucket'. 

And although I would rather label it a "Love for Life" list, I think its a brilliant idea.

Beautiful Words at Midford Natural Burial Ground

In the previous post, I mentioned a wonderful ceremony that I conducted at Midford natural burial ground, which is located just outside Bath. As a funeral celebrant, I often have conversations with people who ask about alternatives to a church yard burial. There are an increasing number of natural burial site choices; some in woodland, others will remain pasture.

Thinking About A Revolution

A question: Would you like your funeral in a church or at a crematorium? If you have a strong faith the answer will be obvious. But the number of weekly worshippers in the UK now stands at 12% and falling. So that leaves an awful lot of people - 88% - who are maybe less sure.

If I told you that the funeral service didn't have to be in either - that it could be conducted at home in the garden, at the golf club, in a farmers field in a marquee, would that change your mind? There is no legal constraint in the UK, other than you must have the permission of the person who owns the space.

Sorry!

Just a quick post to apologise for the silence over recent weeks. Often the summer is a quieter time for funerals, but this year has seen barely a break in ceremonies taking place. Which has meant my mind has been on helping bereaved families navigate the emotional challenges of the funeral; helping them to create a meaningful farewell. My mind hasn't been on the blog - I'm really sorry! But I'm gathering my thoughts and aiming to resume regular posts...so do watch this space! Recent ceremonies have included a beautiful ceremony at Midford Natural Burial Ground, near Bath. And on wednesday, we had such a moving ceremony which finished with a release of butterflies (outside obviously - we headed for the memorial garden after the ceremony to release them). Such a simple gesture but so symbolic. 

The Party Ain't Over Yet

Today we said goodbye to an 80 year old gentleman; a popular man, with a big loving family. He also had a lot of friends. Honestly, I have never seen so many messages of condolences at a house when I visited his family to help them plan the ceremony...I don't think there was an inch of spare space anywhere. And neither was there any space at the crematorium - "standing room only" doesn't come close to how packed the place was.

As I've written before, using an independent celebrant gives the family so many choices and helps to create a very personal ceremony. And todays was a bit different. For today's ceremony, I said the final words, paused and then (with the curtains still open) the exit music started: Status Quo and "The party 'aint over".

Now, as someone who spent his youth listening to Quo, AC/DC and Saxon (among other fab bands), the opportunity to play out to Status Quo was great. 

But what struck me most was how perfect it was. It was loud, fun and put a smile on lots of faces (which is a pretty good description of the man whose life we were there to celebrate). But when the curtains closed halfway through the song, it was still incredibly moving. A real 'lump in the throat' moment as we said that last goodbye. Memorable, heartfelt, personal - it felt a lovely ceremony today.

Andrew Jackson is an independent (non-faith) celebrant, working in Bristol, Bath & Somerset.

Should Children Attend Funerals?

Yes. 

Okay, I appreciate that a one word blog may not be too inspiring, but I thought I might as well answer the question at the outset. There is a very interesting article in the Guardian newspaper today about funerals and whether children should attend. 

As a celebrant, my starting point is try and involve family members, whatever their age. There are so many ways children can be involved, from decorating the coffin, writing a poem, drawing a picture to go on the coffin, lighting a candle if they are old enough or perhaps simply laying a flower. Asking grand children what they thought of a grandparent can produce some incredible quotes for the eulogy; sometimes a bit 'left of field' but children do have a way of cutting through to the core of the matter. So I'm very happy to see children at my ceremonies.

That's a Coincidence...

As always (it seems) I have to start with an apology - it is far an age since the last post. Its been a busy few weeks and I'm currently helping four families create a funeral for their loved one, but even so, I will try to post a little more regularly!

Anyway, the coincidence is that the last blog title was "Bring me Sunshine". I'm now working on a ceremony with "Bring me sunshine" by Morecombe and Wise as the exit music. First time I've used this, but was really pleased when the family asked for it. I do like it when the ceremony finishes with a smile on the faces of those attending. Of course, it doesn't stop the hurt but it does set the grieve in a slightly different context.

Another ceremony I'm working on (I'm currently helping four families, so a bit busy)  has "Hurt" by Johnny Cash. It is an amazing track, filled with emotion and one of the last things he recorded. Not necessarily happy, but it is so moving.

So, back to the title - not a big coincidence but I thought I would share it with you all the same.

Today I have been mostly thinking about why death is so difficult for people to talk about and how I might make that easier...

Bring Me Sunshine

No talk of funerals today. The sky has been a perfect blue all day; the sunshine beautiful. The Tour de France started today. I've a lovely dinner in prospect and a bottle of shiraz with my name on it. It's good to stop and acknowledge that life can be sweet sometimes.

Today I have been mostly been investing much energy into doing very little...good times.

Funeral Ceremony for a Child

Today we held the ceremony for the stillborn baby I mentioned last week. I have to say I’m still feeling pretty raw. With a child’s ceremony, it is never ‘business as usual’. Even those professionals, who spend their days working with death, pause with the death of one so young. It is impossible not to be touched by the overwhelming sense of sadness.

The ceremony was incredibly moving, from the moment the dad carried in the coffin. How incredible is that? In the midst of the most intense grief, when life feels thrown into disarray, to have the courage and strength to bear the coffin is incredible. I really don't know if I would be able to match that.

With one so young, we often need to turn to the words, songs and music of others to help us express our grief, as it is so difficult to articulate the hurt we are feeling. So our ceremony today included music from Eric Clapton (“Tears in Heaven”); a beautiful song called “Still” by Gerrit Hofsink (warning: if you look that up on i-tunes it is an incredibly emotional listen. Beautiful song, with words that cut straight to the heart, but sure to bring a tear to the eye) and then we heard Christina Perri (“A Thousand Years” – another song that was so perfect for today's ceremony).

It is going to be a difficult day as I’m sure the family will dominate my thoughts, to whom I can only send my best wishes - I only hope that time will help heal the hurt.

Andrew Jackson is an Independent Celebrant, working in Bristol, Bath & Somerset.

Reflecting on a Challenging Week

Sitting here, my first task is to apologise for the lack of blog postings of late. No real excuse other than last week was something of an emotional journey. For example, on Friday I helped a family say goodbye to a husband and father of two young children. He died from cancer aged just 38. It is difficult to know what to say, other than to be able to offer any kind of help and comfort in such circumstances is a huge privilege. 

When Grief Is Overwhelming

This week I'm helping a young family create a ceremony for their still born child. In one sentence I've probably said all you need to know - your minds will already be thinking what a desperately sad time this is. In many ways, our grief for the loss of a child is the hardest kind of grief to bear, because when a child dies, we mourn not only the life that was, but also the life that might have been. So many hopes and dreams that will remain unfulfilled.

Stillbirth is more common than many people realise. There are around 4,000 stillbirths each year in the UK - approximately 1 in every 200 births. For more information, the 'Sands' website (Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Charity) is a great resource and can talk far more meaningfully on the subject that I can. In the meantime, I shall keep helping as best I can, knowing that however clever my words, however well thought out the music, I'm unlikely to soften the hurt the family are feeling right now.

Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant working in Bristol, Bath and Somerset. Fuelled by coffee & walnut cake during the day and by shiraz at night...

Stopping Direct Mail

Not so much a blog today, as some helpful information...

Do you need to stop direct mail for someone who has died? Almost 600,000 people die in the UK every year and if direct mail continues to be received after the death, it can cause undue distress to grieving family and friends. It also has a big environmental impact - one estimate suggests 48m items will be sent, unnecessarily, each year - that's a lot of paper and energy invested in its delivery. 

There is a solution - "The Bereavement Register" offers a free consumer service with one specific aim - to help stop the direct mail being sent to the deceased. All the information can be found on their website.

Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant, working in Bristol, Bath and the surrounding area. 

National Funeral Exhibition 2013

I spent this weekend at the National Funeral Exhibition at Stoneleigh. My head is still buzzing, there is so much to talk about. From the most beautiful Somerset Willow coffins to Italian hand-crafted coffins that were simply stunning; from helpful bereavement advice to woodland burial sites and much, much more. I need to get my head around everything I've seen but I shall be blogging about all the latest innovations - good and bad - over the coming weeks. But if you have landed on this page looking for 'willow coffins' for example, and need help and information ASAP, just drop me a line.

Today I have been mostly thinking about tomorrow; when we celebrate the life of a much loved gentleman. Walking in to Vivaldi's Four Seasons: Spring. I'd forgotten what a beautiful piece it is...

Inspiring Words on Legacy

Inspiring words to ponder...

"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there. It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so as long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away.” – Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 

Today I have mostly been reflecting on how perfect a song "Stardust" is, sung by Nat King Cole. We used it as a song for reflection in today's ceremony. Just beautiful...

A Very Personal Farewell

Today has been a very emotional day, as I helped a family say goodbye to their mum.

What made today rather unique were the lengths that the family went to, in order to honour their promise to stay with their mum on her final journey.

Rather than book a hearse, the family drove their mum to the crematorium themselves, taking a route that revisited favourite places. Once at the crematorium, in respect for how fiercely proud their mum was of her Scottish roots, the family had booked a piper to lead everyone into the ceremony space. 

The family acted as bearers, with four grown up children carrying in the coffin. Once in place, each of her four children and the eldest grandchildren went up one at a time to place a flower on the coffin. By this stage, I’m wondering whether I can hold everything together. The ceremony was simple, reflecting the spirituality and the hope of being reunited with loved ones. At the end we were piped out to the tune of 'Amazing Grace'...there is just something so incredibly moving about a lone piper leading the way.

In most cases, this would be the end of the story but the two sons stayed behind, to be with their mum as she was placed in the cremator. Sometimes the courage of the families I meet is just awesome. And as a funeral celebrant, it is a privilege to share such a personal journey.

Today I am mostly pondering the meaning of life, the universe and everything - being a celebrant does get me thinking sometimes!

What Is It Like To Be A Funeral Director?

The sharp eyed amongst you (actually, a casual glance should be sufficient) may have noticed a column to the right of this text with a link to other blogs (although, to be accurate, right now its a link to one other blog - more will follow!). There are some amazing conversations taking place about death on the internet and one of the most inspiring is "Confessions of a Funeral Director", written by Caleb Wilde. As an independent funeral celebrant, a big part of my role is find exactly the right words to express the thoughts, beliefs, wishes of the family - Caleb's writing is quite inspirational in this regard. His writing offers an incredible insight into the business of a funeral director. Tackling head on some incredibly challenging topics, with a clarity and balance that is often moving, sometimes funny and always interesting. I hesitate to highlight particular posts, since different subjects will resonate with each of you, but as a starting point, take a look at '10 burdens Funeral Directors Carry' or 'A Bleeping Day in the Funeral Business'. Hope it inspires you as much as it does me...

Today I have been mostly been listening to Tony Bennett, "I left my heart in San Francisco"; its booked for a lovely ceremony next week.

A Busy Day In Prospect

A busy day today, although I think a day more happy than sad. I shall be on funeral celebrant duties today at my local crematorium in Bath. We have a lovely ceremony planned, with Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett music - their music is so powerful and I think the Tony Bennett track ("I left my heart in San Francisco") will be perfect. After that I shall be off to visit a local family, who are planning a ceremony for their mum. An emotional day in prospect but a good one...

Today, I shall mostly be looking for a slice of coffee and walnut cake in one of the local cafes - emotional days require lots of comfort food!

At Committal, Should Curtains Remain Open?

I never thought that soft furnishings could become so controversial, but there is quite a debate about whether the curtains should close or be left open at the committal stage of a cremation ceremony. Now, if you haven’t attended a ceremony for someone close to you, it might be that you are sat there thinking, “Really? Closing the curtains is controversial?” But, for many, it is the part of the ceremony that they dread most, the final act of separation – it is a simple, symbolic action with huge emotional impact.

Words of Inspiration: Louis de Bernieres

"When loved ones die, you have to live on their behalf. See things as though with their eyes. Remember how they used to say things, and use the words oneself. Be thankful that you can do things that they cannot and also feel the sadness of it." - "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" (Louis de Bernieres).

This is such a moving book and these words, especially, resonate with me. As a funeral celebrant, I often use the following in my ceremonies:

"For those we love still live on in our hearts; in the happiness we knew and in the dreams we shared. They still speak in the echoes of familiar words we’ve heard them say so often. Their memory is warm in our hearts; their memory is comfort in our sorrow." 

Our loved ones do live on in our hearts, as all the memories are part of the fabric of our own lives. It doesn't stop us "feeling the sadness of it", but gives us the strength to move forward.

Today I shall be mostly listening to Frank Sinatra, whose music ("Come Fly With Me") has been chosen for a ceremony next week...

How To Avoid 'Conveyor Belt' Ceremonies

Saying a personal, heartfelt farewell to the ones we love is such a valuable part of the grieving and healing process. "A good send off" is our way of saying thank you for all the memories, for the love and friendship we have shared. The funeral ceremony is also a 'line in the sand' of sorts. It marks the time when we return to the real world, still feeling the loss of the person who has died, but never the less renewed and heartened and ready to start resuming our own lives (*). 

Where Will Your Funeral be?

Where will your funeral be? Just for now, we’ll set aside the fact that most of us don’t discuss this with our nearest and dearest (even though it would be rather helpful if we did), and focus instead on the choices.

First question is ‘where’? If you have a strong faith, then a religious building will be the obvious choice. Religious buildings are evocative spaces; often ancient, places that have seen all the joy and sadness of life acted out over generations. Simply entering a church is a ritual act, as you leave the hustle and bustle of life behind and move into a sacred space.

Time To End "Clip Board" Funerals?

I came across these amazing words in "Untold Stories" by Alan Bennett. Writing about his mother's ceremony at Weston-Super-Mare crematorium, he reflects on a ceremony seemingly detached from any real emotion or meaning...

“Before that (the committal), though, there will be the faint dribble of a hymn, which is for the most part unsung by the men and only falteringly by the women. The deceased is unknown to the vicar, who in turn is a stranger to the mourners, the only participant on intimate terms with all concerned, the corpse included, being the undertaker. Unsolemn, hygienic and somehow retail, the service is so scant as to be scarcely a ceremony at all, and is not so much simple as inadequate. These clipboard send-offs have no swell to them, no tide, there is no launching for the soul, flung like Excalibur over the dark waters. How few lives now end full-throated to hymns soaring or bells pealing from the tower. How few escape a pinched suburban send-off, the last of a life, some half-known relatives strolling thankfully back to the car.” 

I love the expression "launching the soul, flung like excalibur over the dark waters" - wonderful writing (but then with Alan Bennett every word works so hard). The point of sharing this is that it really is possible to create a ceremony that is heartfelt and personal. With some thought, this can be achieved even within the time-limited setting of a crematorium: by booking extra time, dressing the space and encouraging family members to actively participate. But better still, don't have the main ceremony at the crematorium - something I shall explore further in my next blog...

Today I am mostly rehearsing a ceremony and listening to R Kelly 'World's Greatest' - would love to include the song at a ceremony!

Dying Matters Awareness Week

This week is "Dying Matters Awareness Week", which will mean - I hope - lots of interesting conversations about death. Why talk about it? Talking about death doesn't bring it closer. Its about planning for life. Without communication and understanding, death and terminal illness can be a lonely and stressful experience, both for the person who is dying and for their friends and family. 

'Dying Matters Awareness Week' aims to start that conversation going. This year's action-focused theme encourages everyone to take five crucial decisions to be ready for the end of life.

1. Make a will
2. Record your funeral wishes
3. Plan your future care and support
4. Register as an organ donor
5. Tell your loved ones your wishes

In my role as a funeral celebrant in Bristol and Bath, I have many, many conversations with people about death. If you would like help please contact me. Alternatively, look up the Dying Matters website. Its full of excellent, clearly presented information.

Death Customs: Dining With The Dead

What do you think of graveyards? Places of quiet, peaceful reflection, places to avoid or the perfect spot for a picnic? In the former Soviet Republic of Georgia, locals celebrate death as part of life - being dead doesn't mean you have to miss out on a social life! On Easter Sunday, locals take food and wine and visit the graves of family and friends: "They have died but they are still with us", explains one. What a lovely sentiment.

Could it happen here in the UK? Maybe. It wouldn't be hugely out of place to spend time at a graveside with a flask of coffee. And maybe a slice of cake. And take a little time out to share some thoughts. Of course, our climate doesn't always lend itself to picnics anywhere, but I do think its a lovely thought to put one day aside to remember loved ones. What do you think - have you ever dwelled graveside with coffee and cake?

Click on the link to the BBC's website to find out more. The film is entitled "Dining with the dead: Georgian families' graveyard feasts." Its a lovely way to honour those special to us and to keep them in our memory and in our heart. 

What Is An Independent Funeral Celebrant?

Today many people are unaffiliated to a religion, but still have their own beliefs. More than ever, families want individual funeral ceremonies and celebration of life events that reflect their values, culture and lifestyle. 

So as an independent funeral celebrant, my role is to help bereaved families create this personal and heart-felt farewell. I'm not limited to any belief / faith system and instead work with families to create an event that reflects the beliefs of the person who has died. 

My approach is to take time to listen, be open to ideas and compose a funeral ceremony that is moving and memorable; a tribute to be cherished always. By involving family members each step of the way (and there are so many ways in which the family can reclaim ownership of the ceremony) it is possible to create a very personal  tribute.

I trained with an organisation called 'Green Fuse', who are passionate, experienced and hugely knowledgable in making any ceremony the best it can be. Click on the link to find out more about Green Fuse celebrants.

As this blog evolves, I'll be looking at some of the options and choices available to families; signposting useful resources, as well as highlighting some inspiring stories. If you have any questions about funerals in England & Wales, do please ask...

Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant, available in Bristol, Bath and throughout the South West 

Words of Inspiration

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "woo-hoo, what a ride!"

Love these words - what a great philosophy! Not sure of the source, so if you know the author's name, do let me know...

Welcome

Apparently, there are two certainties in life - death and tax. The good news is, I'm not going to be talking about tax...This blog is all about death (perhaps I should amend that to say that its actually all about life, because its more for the people left behind...), but strictly speaking, it's about how we deal with funerals and saying goodbye to our loved ones. 

It's a subject people sometimes find hard to talk about, but as an independent funeral celebrant, I am asked many questions about what happens. So this blog will talk about death and our response to it. I'm very much hoping to attract some guest blogs from some of my colleagues, to highlight some fascinating blogs from around the world, to highlight great words and music that you might want to consider but most of all, to show you just how many amazing a funeral can be. Saying a heartfelt goodbye has the potential to be such an important step in the healing process, so I hope I can use this blog to share some great ideas with you...