Should Children Attend Funerals?

Yes. 

Okay, I appreciate that a one word blog may not be too inspiring, but I thought I might as well answer the question at the outset. There is a very interesting article in the Guardian newspaper today about funerals and whether children should attend. 

As a celebrant, my starting point is try and involve family members, whatever their age. There are so many ways children can be involved, from decorating the coffin, writing a poem, drawing a picture to go on the coffin, lighting a candle if they are old enough or perhaps simply laying a flower. Asking grand children what they thought of a grandparent can produce some incredible quotes for the eulogy; sometimes a bit 'left of field' but children do have a way of cutting through to the core of the matter. So I'm very happy to see children at my ceremonies.


And yes, sometimes they do get upset. There are lots of adults being very serious; its a strange environment. But it does involve them in the process and will help them understand in the future.

The article reminds us that in the past, death would have been literally much closer to home. Liz Mowatt, founder of A Giving Tribute is quoted as saying:

"In years gone by, the whole cycle of life was played out at home. Babies were born there and families usually washed and cared for their dead at home. The whole family would file into the room to pay their respects, including children, who also attended the funeral. These days, however, we seem to be sanitised to death, even when it comes to our nearest and dearest."

If "sanitised" is too strong (and I'm not sure that it is) there is certainly a separation, a disconnect that has emerged in the way we look after our dead. Death is a fact of life and of course, the death of someone close in painful and hurts. A lot. But is that pain softened by keeping a distance from the process? Often not, I suspect.

One example of the disconnect is in the ceremony. It is a feature of all the crematoriums I work in (I've conducted ceremonies in six of my closest crematoriums in Bristol, Bath and Somerset) that there is a space between the coffin and the family and friends. 

And I know families often feel that space; they want to touch the coffin or to place a flower or to say a last goodbye close up. But there is an invisible barrier; people don't feel they have permission to cross that space. I encourage people to come close and to lay flowers, for example.

I've mentioned before that in my script I will often say that the person isn't "a part from us but a part of us for all times." So it doesn't make sense to have a barrier when we say goodbye.

So if you are planning a ceremony, I would encourage you, before your plans have become too set, to talk to your independent celebrant (a faith celebrant won't necessarily have the flexibility to create a truly personalised ceremony) and discuss all the possibilities. Often it makes no difference to cost and won't impact on times - it will just make for a more rewarding occasion.

What do you think; as a rule should children be included?