A Busy Day In Prospect

A busy day today, although I think a day more happy than sad. I shall be on funeral celebrant duties today at my local crematorium in Bath. We have a lovely ceremony planned, with Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett music - their music is so powerful and I think the Tony Bennett track ("I left my heart in San Francisco") will be perfect. After that I shall be off to visit a local family, who are planning a ceremony for their mum. An emotional day in prospect but a good one...

Today, I shall mostly be looking for a slice of coffee and walnut cake in one of the local cafes - emotional days require lots of comfort food!

At Committal, Should Curtains Remain Open?

I never thought that soft furnishings could become so controversial, but there is quite a debate about whether the curtains should close or be left open at the committal stage of a cremation ceremony. Now, if you haven’t attended a ceremony for someone close to you, it might be that you are sat there thinking, “Really? Closing the curtains is controversial?” But, for many, it is the part of the ceremony that they dread most, the final act of separation – it is a simple, symbolic action with huge emotional impact.

Words of Inspiration: Louis de Bernieres

"When loved ones die, you have to live on their behalf. See things as though with their eyes. Remember how they used to say things, and use the words oneself. Be thankful that you can do things that they cannot and also feel the sadness of it." - "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" (Louis de Bernieres).

This is such a moving book and these words, especially, resonate with me. As a funeral celebrant, I often use the following in my ceremonies:

"For those we love still live on in our hearts; in the happiness we knew and in the dreams we shared. They still speak in the echoes of familiar words we’ve heard them say so often. Their memory is warm in our hearts; their memory is comfort in our sorrow." 

Our loved ones do live on in our hearts, as all the memories are part of the fabric of our own lives. It doesn't stop us "feeling the sadness of it", but gives us the strength to move forward.

Today I shall be mostly listening to Frank Sinatra, whose music ("Come Fly With Me") has been chosen for a ceremony next week...

How To Avoid 'Conveyor Belt' Ceremonies

Saying a personal, heartfelt farewell to the ones we love is such a valuable part of the grieving and healing process. "A good send off" is our way of saying thank you for all the memories, for the love and friendship we have shared. The funeral ceremony is also a 'line in the sand' of sorts. It marks the time when we return to the real world, still feeling the loss of the person who has died, but never the less renewed and heartened and ready to start resuming our own lives (*). 

Where Will Your Funeral be?

Where will your funeral be? Just for now, we’ll set aside the fact that most of us don’t discuss this with our nearest and dearest (even though it would be rather helpful if we did), and focus instead on the choices.

First question is ‘where’? If you have a strong faith, then a religious building will be the obvious choice. Religious buildings are evocative spaces; often ancient, places that have seen all the joy and sadness of life acted out over generations. Simply entering a church is a ritual act, as you leave the hustle and bustle of life behind and move into a sacred space.

Time To End "Clip Board" Funerals?

I came across these amazing words in "Untold Stories" by Alan Bennett. Writing about his mother's ceremony at Weston-Super-Mare crematorium, he reflects on a ceremony seemingly detached from any real emotion or meaning...

“Before that (the committal), though, there will be the faint dribble of a hymn, which is for the most part unsung by the men and only falteringly by the women. The deceased is unknown to the vicar, who in turn is a stranger to the mourners, the only participant on intimate terms with all concerned, the corpse included, being the undertaker. Unsolemn, hygienic and somehow retail, the service is so scant as to be scarcely a ceremony at all, and is not so much simple as inadequate. These clipboard send-offs have no swell to them, no tide, there is no launching for the soul, flung like Excalibur over the dark waters. How few lives now end full-throated to hymns soaring or bells pealing from the tower. How few escape a pinched suburban send-off, the last of a life, some half-known relatives strolling thankfully back to the car.” 

I love the expression "launching the soul, flung like excalibur over the dark waters" - wonderful writing (but then with Alan Bennett every word works so hard). The point of sharing this is that it really is possible to create a ceremony that is heartfelt and personal. With some thought, this can be achieved even within the time-limited setting of a crematorium: by booking extra time, dressing the space and encouraging family members to actively participate. But better still, don't have the main ceremony at the crematorium - something I shall explore further in my next blog...

Today I am mostly rehearsing a ceremony and listening to R Kelly 'World's Greatest' - would love to include the song at a ceremony!

Dying Matters Awareness Week

This week is "Dying Matters Awareness Week", which will mean - I hope - lots of interesting conversations about death. Why talk about it? Talking about death doesn't bring it closer. Its about planning for life. Without communication and understanding, death and terminal illness can be a lonely and stressful experience, both for the person who is dying and for their friends and family. 

'Dying Matters Awareness Week' aims to start that conversation going. This year's action-focused theme encourages everyone to take five crucial decisions to be ready for the end of life.

1. Make a will
2. Record your funeral wishes
3. Plan your future care and support
4. Register as an organ donor
5. Tell your loved ones your wishes

In my role as a funeral celebrant in Bristol and Bath, I have many, many conversations with people about death. If you would like help please contact me. Alternatively, look up the Dying Matters website. Its full of excellent, clearly presented information.

Death Customs: Dining With The Dead

What do you think of graveyards? Places of quiet, peaceful reflection, places to avoid or the perfect spot for a picnic? In the former Soviet Republic of Georgia, locals celebrate death as part of life - being dead doesn't mean you have to miss out on a social life! On Easter Sunday, locals take food and wine and visit the graves of family and friends: "They have died but they are still with us", explains one. What a lovely sentiment.

Could it happen here in the UK? Maybe. It wouldn't be hugely out of place to spend time at a graveside with a flask of coffee. And maybe a slice of cake. And take a little time out to share some thoughts. Of course, our climate doesn't always lend itself to picnics anywhere, but I do think its a lovely thought to put one day aside to remember loved ones. What do you think - have you ever dwelled graveside with coffee and cake?

Click on the link to the BBC's website to find out more. The film is entitled "Dining with the dead: Georgian families' graveyard feasts." Its a lovely way to honour those special to us and to keep them in our memory and in our heart. 

What Is An Independent Funeral Celebrant?

Today many people are unaffiliated to a religion, but still have their own beliefs. More than ever, families want individual funeral ceremonies and celebration of life events that reflect their values, culture and lifestyle. 

So as an independent funeral celebrant, my role is to help bereaved families create this personal and heart-felt farewell. I'm not limited to any belief / faith system and instead work with families to create an event that reflects the beliefs of the person who has died. 

My approach is to take time to listen, be open to ideas and compose a funeral ceremony that is moving and memorable; a tribute to be cherished always. By involving family members each step of the way (and there are so many ways in which the family can reclaim ownership of the ceremony) it is possible to create a very personal  tribute.

I trained with an organisation called 'Green Fuse', who are passionate, experienced and hugely knowledgable in making any ceremony the best it can be. Click on the link to find out more about Green Fuse celebrants.

As this blog evolves, I'll be looking at some of the options and choices available to families; signposting useful resources, as well as highlighting some inspiring stories. If you have any questions about funerals in England & Wales, do please ask...

Andrew Jackson is an independent funeral celebrant, available in Bristol, Bath and throughout the South West 

Words of Inspiration

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "woo-hoo, what a ride!"

Love these words - what a great philosophy! Not sure of the source, so if you know the author's name, do let me know...

Welcome

Apparently, there are two certainties in life - death and tax. The good news is, I'm not going to be talking about tax...This blog is all about death (perhaps I should amend that to say that its actually all about life, because its more for the people left behind...), but strictly speaking, it's about how we deal with funerals and saying goodbye to our loved ones. 

It's a subject people sometimes find hard to talk about, but as an independent funeral celebrant, I am asked many questions about what happens. So this blog will talk about death and our response to it. I'm very much hoping to attract some guest blogs from some of my colleagues, to highlight some fascinating blogs from around the world, to highlight great words and music that you might want to consider but most of all, to show you just how many amazing a funeral can be. Saying a heartfelt goodbye has the potential to be such an important step in the healing process, so I hope I can use this blog to share some great ideas with you...