Funeral Arranging - Part 2

I've written this blog posting countless times now; it follows on from the "Funeral Arranging - Part 1", written  on on Tuesday; a response to an article by Emma Freud that appeared in The Guardian newspaper. It is an article well worth a read. 

Part 2 reflects on Emma's experience of creating the Order of Service. As a celebrant, my approach is to share some time with the family, listen to what they would like in terms of music, prayers, poems, etc and create a ceremony that is heartfelt and personal to them. Emma writes...

Emma writes: "This [the order of service] invariably becomes the emotional focus of the week. It needs to be a collective effort and is probably the moment when family tensions emerge in that lovely dysfunctional way that only a close death can inspire.

Well, yes and no. Yes, because even the most cohesive families can find stress lines appearing as they come to terms with the changed situation.
The only words of comfort I can offer is that it happens to most families and, in my experiences, most issues sort themselves. But don't take it for granted that all in the family see things the same way and do be prepared to compromise...

And no, because actually the physical order of service is pretty much set, so it really shouldn't be the cause of too much stress. It outlines the order in which the ceremony will unfold and includes the words of anything people are expected to join in with; hymns for example (and just from experience, if you want people to join in reciting the Lord's Prayer then include the words - for anyone under 30-35, its unlikely to have been as central to their education as for those older). Whether you use lots of pictures or none is often dictated by some practical issues: do you have many pictures to use? If not then one is fine. Do you need to print lots - if its 100 or more there some sense to containing costs by keeping it simple. In questions like typeface, layout, trust your local printer. 

Emma goes on to talk about the eulogy and says: "And whoever ends up delivering the eulogy needs more love and support than you can possibly imagine. It's a massive and terrifying job – summing up an entire existence in five minutes while standing next to a dead person in a box." Again, true to a point, but often no one in the family wants to read the eulogy - it is just too painful. Few people enjoy / are equipped for public speaking and this is not necessarily the time to start. Great if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you don't want the responsibility. It can be very therapeutic simply listening to the celebrant read it for you.

The important thing, in my mind, is not to become stressed by the ceremony. It is a difficult time. With a death comes huge emotional upheaval, a host of red tape / paperwork to contend with; family dynamics to navigate, countless strangers coming into your life. So make your life easier by accepting the help a good celebrant can offer. Obviously, in Bristol, Bath & Somerset, do get in contact if I can help, but also have a look on the 'Green Fuse' website to find a properly trained celebrant in your area.