Funeral Arranging - Part 1

If you had to arrange a funeral today, would you put everything into the hands of experts or would you prefer a more personal approach? After all, there is no legal requirement to employ a funeral director; there are laws and obligations to follow, naturally, but using a funeral director isn't one of them. The reason for my posing the question follows an interesting article in the Guardian newspaper, written by Emma Freud. Its a detailed piece, which poses some interesting questions, so I shall pick out some key parts to expand on what Emma has said (but do read the full article, as it is really interesting)...

Emma starts by saying that: "Every burial involves more than 1,000 decisions that have to be made by the organiser during the worst five days of their life." The experience of arranging my father's funeral is still very fresh in my mind - it can be a very surreal time, with people asking all kinds of questions that in the depth of despair, can be difficult to answer. In any case, in bereavement your brain is likely to turn to mush, so even simple questions can be a challenge!

Emma continues.."It all starts with your funeral director... soon after the death, you need to chat everything through with the funeral people. It's an important, though brief, relationship and if you don't like the company once you meet them, you can change." This is absolutely right and it is so important to remember that you do have a choice; you can take control. To do so is really important, because in the months that follow knowing that the send off was a perfect as could be will be so important to the healing process. As a celebrant, I hear so many stories of funerals that have missed the mark - incorrect names, a lack of compassion or even interest - even outright rudeness. Just because it is a funeral is no reason to accept a bad experience.

"The first meeting with the funeral director takes for ever, ticking off the first 100 of those 1,000 decisions. Where do you want the service, what time should it be, how many cars, cremation or burial, pine or oak, chrome handles or gold-painted ones, live music or taped, will anyone be visiting the body, do you want the corpse to have makeup, etc etc and then etc and etc – and you have to make up the answers on the spot, as though you had an opinion. All this at a time when you may well be feeling that your world has ended and you no longer actually exist". This is kind of true - there really are so many questions to address, and as Emma says, these are questions asked at a time when you just want to be left to your thoughts and reflections. The skills of the funeral arranger really come into their own at this point. I've met some incredible funeral arrangers, who bring great compassion to their role. Everyone's grieve is different and the funeral arrangers need to navigate all this emotion, whilst gathering all the information necessary to create the perfect ceremony - its not easy - so hats off to those lovely people who offer comfort and help when it is most needed.

We each have a responsibility to those we leave behind. It should be standard practise to leave clear instructions, wishes and preferences - it would make life so much easier for those left behind. Make this your 2014 resolution and spare your nearest and dearest the upset of starting to plan your ceremony from scratch...

Emma Freud's article continues making some excellent points, so as I said at the beginning, to click the link to read the full piece. In my next blog I'll consider planning the ceremony.

Todays picture is an antidote to all the rain, winds and weather related misery - the days are getting longer - hold on to that thought!